The many letters I wrote to you

Month: March, 2014

Day 101

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

I count down the days before I see you once more. I’m at the one place I can escape my thoughts of you. All these faces, all these people, a story behind each one. It is funny how the man in the blue shirt, struggles between a book and a text. It saddens me to see the timid woman in front of me, as she tries to move through the crowd, hopelessly afraid.

As I lose myself on this train, I have made a decision. I am not giving up on You. I won’t ever let go of what I truly want. I have walked away from many things in my life, but I won’t walk away from you. In the time we have spent apart, I have realised but one thing. You were the best thing that has ever happened to me. Let this be unrequited love, let this be insanity, let me indulge in this just a bit longer.

I am solely responsible for the man that I have become. It may not seem so to the people around me, but I know myself better than anyone. Love like this is not normal, but it is pure. This love is not ideal, but it is necessary. My love is unwavering, I challenge life itself to prove me otherwise.

I will brave cyclones, I will sit out storms. I will walk the Kalahari a thousand times over. It will but make me thirst for you more. There is no ocean that will separate me from you. I crave a Love as such for me, but I am not to be blessed with such a gift.

I do not know what the future holds, neither do I wish to see. I will patch my armour, I will stand up once more and I will be fearless. For in my heart, I know my Love for you is pure. In my heart, I will love you until I can love no more. That Darling, is the day I give up.


Yours Always,



Day 100

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

One hundred days and I have gained but an inch of myself back. I have changed, I am no longer the person I once was. I am breathing, my heart is beating, but I am not alive. Tonight, I hurt. Tonight, I remember it all.

It was not my choice to indulge in these memories. I don’t want for a second to think of you, but I do. My insides, they ache, they burn to no avail. No amounts of alcohol, no distraction can ever keep my mind free of you. I can’t hide and I won’t hide how I truly feel.

I have died a hundred deaths. One for each and every day. Yet on the morning of every birth, I seem to find you yet again. By noon, I am smitten at the sight of you. Nightfall, and I realise that I have fallen for you once more. You are my single greatest weakness, the One person I cannot do without.

I am trying to keep it together, but I am falling apart. I can’t tell which way is north. I can’t differentiate between dreams and reality. I am disgusted at myself as I look at the bottle in front of me. It has been my companion of choice for many months. It is bitter and intoxicating. No good has ever come from it, yet I indulge in the temporary relief this elixir provides to me.

So once more, tears streaming down my face, I retire. Once more, I confess. One hundred days and I still Love You. One hundred days, and I am no closer to letting you go.

Yours Always,


Day 99

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

I spent the night in good company once again. I value these moments greatly. A break from my mind, a break from my thoughts of you. I realise now, being on my own only makes things harder, it only makes me miss you more. I made the mistake of making you the very person I needed most. The center of my universe, the very force that is my life.

Surely, regardless of what happened between us, I should have seen this coming. I should have seen my vulnerability come to pierce my side. The fault however is mine and mine alone.

You released my heart. You were my key and my shield. Your comfort, allowed me to open up, your smile, took the fear from me. Your embrace allowed me to release my darkness, my cold ambitions, my faults. I had never felt so at peace.

With you, I wanted to share my achievements, my disappointments, my anguish. I am not perfect, I can’t be. But you made me want to be the best that I could have been.

I end with this. Tho I was left in the cold, I did not shiver. For the warmth of your heart gave me hope for tomorrow. That hope, I look for once more.


Yours Always,



Day 98

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

I am slightly intoxicated once more. It is not from the alcohol, but on the very thought of you. Night after night, I hold myself strong, but not tonight. This time, I choose to stupidly love you once more, wholeheartedly, without doubt.

Tonight, I choose to play a slow song. My arms around your hips, we sway with the wind, the sun setting in the horizon. Tonight, I run my fingers through your hair. Your head on my lap, as I kiss your crinkled forehead and I imagine your smile.

This moment, I speak only the words I want you to hear, words that will leave you breathless. This moment, your eyes stop my heart and in a moment of ecstasy, I am free.

This very minute, reality hits. The song stops, my arms are left empty. There is no wind, no setting sun. My lap is bare and my lips are dry. I have words, but no ears to set them upon. My heart still stops, I am still breathless, but I am imprisoned once more.

Yours Always,


Day 97

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

She was a distraction that was not meant to last. A simple exchange of words between us and it was over. Within mere minutes, I thought of you once more. By the end of the day, I found myself comparing her to you, finding every excuse to let you go. But I could not.

She had a soothing smile, one I could have gotten used to. A neutral accent, something I was quite fond of. Her hair was blonde, short at the neck, always tied in a bun. She was tall, her height was perfect, a good fit for me I would think. Her laughter, was like any other, nothing special.

She had a funny way of walking, I wondered if it was her heels, but I doubt it. Her long lashes were further accentuated by her dark mascara. Her kind eyes, they never met mine, I never allowed them to.

She is perfect in every sense. Every woman is. Just not for me.

To me, she was no compare. Not to you. She didn’t have a smile that lit the darkest places of my heart. She did not have the voice of an angel, one that would guide me in the dark. She did not have long brown hair, wavy and smooth. She was an inch too tall, unlike you. Her laughter was not contagious, it did not make me smile. It was not memorable, not vivacious, not by a mile.

Her footsteps were not silent, they lacked your grace. I’m ashamed at this comparison, it’s not my place. But the one thing I could never accept, that I could never forget, she had no ability to hold my gaze.

She did not have your eyes.

Her eyes, they could not bring a raging storm to a halt. I would never lose myself, I could always look away. They were not priceless gems from the lost treasures of the Maharaja’s. They were hardly the piercing eyes of a leopard on the prowl.

She did not have Your eyes.


Yours Always,


Day 96

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

She walked past me twice today. I’ve seen her more often than I have before. Maybe it was because I was not looking. Maybe I was so fixated on you that I forgot to stop and look. In my attempt to stop thinking about you, I seem to have stumbled upon a distraction.

At this very moment, I do not know what I should do. Slowly but surely, I must stop feeling the way I feel for you. It has to end. Living a life like this is a torture like no other.

Before I have even introduced myself, I have already gotten ahead of myself. I ask the crucial question. I find myself asking if she would do the same, if she could feel the way I felt about you.

I want to save myself from the trouble, the pain. I have killed every question, every attempt before it has even formed. Nothing seems to want to leave my lips. In the many attempts today, just a simple “hello” has got me in a spot.

In the many attempts today. I looked away. I walked away.

Yours Always,


Day 67

I honestly wish we could have that moment once more. Maybe I would have done things differently.


My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

It was this day, I will remember always. The day I felt like I was once again a child of twelve. As the hours counted down, my heart raced. It raced hard and fast. Adrenaline, overwhelming emotions, yet absolute calm.

My hands trembled, my face pale. The rush hit, like a drug,  and I was sent into a tumble of emotion. Physical weakness, merely a side effect of what seemed to be the end of me. Surely darling, I was silly beyond understanding.

Those were the many emotions, leading up to the moment that I finally fixed eyes on you.

Then, we met. You were as beautiful as I remembered. Your face still kind, that smile, still as electrifying. Your eyes still put me in a spot. One I always struggle to get out off.

I know you not enough to understand you or what you are…

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Day 95

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

My last letter was a confession. My unhealthy addiction to you has put my world in a spin. In this new world, I have no friends, no family, no rest. I do not eat, I do not sleep, I can hardly breathe.

My life is ruled by vices. My heart, pain. I am crippled by fear. My memories, a reel of film with no end. It repeats, again and again. My every sentence ends with your name, my very life, ruined by the thought of losing you.

I am strong enough to know that my heart will live on. That I have not lost my sanity. I know this to be true. After all, my life has always been a testament to who I really am. My distant memories, a constant reminder of that which I have experienced.

Every curve ball life has thrown, I have hit. I have dealt with every pitch, every player and I have always come out standing tall. You changed the game. With you, there were no rules, there were no curve balls, there was no winning.

With you, I never wanted to play. I always knew you never needed me. I just wanted you to want me.

My heart still beats, but I have no pulse.

Yours Always,


Day 94

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

I actually had something to look forward to. A friend. It was nice to see a familiar face, hear a voice I could relate with. It was a voice I always heard alongside your laughter. I was not myself, not the best way to be around someone, especially not him.

I wish I could have apologised, but I only had enough strength to hold my front. Enough strength to put on a straight face, to hold back my pain, as memories of you flooded my weakened heart. The meeting was short, a perfect ten minutes. To me, all that I truly could have handled. A second more and I would have fallen.

It was good to hear you were alright. It was nice to know that you were fine. I couldn’t keep myself from asking about you. It is a question I never want to ask again, but you cannot imagine the weight of not knowing.

I truly have missed you. I won’t try to gauge it, I know I can’t. It is hard to describe how I truly feel. On one hand, I’m restless, on the other, at peace. I miss you, I hate that you are not around. Everyday, I feel myself gaining strength, but I am struggling to get off my addiction.

My drug, You.

Yours Always,


Day 93

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

My heart sank as we parted ways. He is a good friend, a brother, the perfect companion. As we said our last words, as we thanked each other for the pleasure of each others company, little could we hold back the emotion.

I cared for him wholeheartedly, much like I do for You. I love him as a brother, very much like my own. We made our promises, we planned more adventures. In the little time we had, we had more to say than ever before.

My feet were heavy as I walked to my plane, I wished I had something to look forward to. I hate to say this, but in a moment of weakness, I wish I could come back to You.

I sit myself down and close my eyes. Within minutes, the exhaustion from the trip, creeps over me like a vine. Slowly weakening my body, little by little, until my eyes are shut. I wake up mid-flight and in a blur, I whisper your name. It was but a light whisper, I could tell, no eyes were upon me.

As the plane descends and the tires screech to a halt, I am tired. My body may have rested, my mind, still restless. I reach for my bags and I begin the journey home. No arms to embrace me, no lips to kiss me. You did not love me.

Yours Always,


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