threehundredand65letters

The many letters I wrote to you

Month: February, 2014

Day 71

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

News of your health has brought much grief to me. It is but a small ailment, but I still worry because I care. I have no words to describe my thoughts, no excuses to mask my concern. There is so much I would do to comfort you, alas, there is but an ocean between us.

There are moments I feel there isn’t a thing I would not do for you. Then, I realise that you would not do the same for me. There are moments I question my every decision with you, my very choice.

I’ve come to the realisation that I never am able to do otherwise, that I lack the strength to do so. Know that my heart remains with you, keep it safe until the time I have the strength to take it back.

I have spent a fortune of time just thinking about my life without you. I do, ever so often. I do it because I must, I do it to end my very idea of you.

My concern now, is not of my own, but of you. I pray for your health, I pray for your strength.

I miss you dearly, especially tonight. For now, my tongue is tied, I have suppressed my feelings for you. It is getting harder and harder to hold back.

Yours Always,

Mark

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Day 70

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

As I write this in the light of a cloud covered moon, I am left with thoughts of you alone. It has not been long since we parted, but my heart grows fonder by the day.

I wonder not about the weather, nor the setting of the sun. The scent of freshly baked bread, as I make my morning rounds. I wonder not about the children, playing on the school grounds. I think not of the world, and all its funny sounds.

In our many silences, I think of you. Once in awhile, I make a rhyme or two. As I close my eyes and fall asleep, I think of you once more. I wonder about the little things, the bits that matter to me.

I wonder if it was too cold, if you left your sweater in the car. If you had your coffee, two pumps, it gets you pretty far. If you had enough sleep, if you were still not well. If I don’t know, my mind will surely dwell. If your feet were sore, from all that walking. I’d hold them tight, as you kept talking.

I can’t be blamed, for I just wonder. Maybe I’ll stop, I’ll give it a ponder.

Yours Always,

Mark

Day 69

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

I promised you as I promised myself. I will fix everything and I will come back better than ever. I need to do what needs to be done. I need to be a man on my own. I need to stand on my own two feet again, by myself, without you.

Don’t stray far. Trust me, as I have trusted you. I won’t ask anything more of you. Just this.

I do this for myself, not for you, not for anyone else. Only when I’m at my strongest, will I ever be ready to face my biggest fear, to overcome my biggest challenge. Myself.

I will not beat myself up any longer. I will give myself the respect I deserve. I will be better, stronger, smarter. I will fight my own battles again, be the king of the battlefield. I will conquer all of that which life so frequently flaunts in my face.

I’ve had my last drink. I’ve had my last cigarette.  Trust me, as I have trusted you. I will slip up, I will fall, but I will always come back stronger. I will always come back to You.

This is my promise to you. This is a promise I make to myself.

Yours Always,

Mark

Day 68

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

You are right beside me as I write this. I am petrified as I hide every word and I say this with joy in my heart. I am still in disbelief. You read my last letter as I slouched nervously next to you.

I wondered what was going through your mind as you read, paragraph after paragraph. Then, with a bit of a giggle, you pointed out a mistake that I had made.

We laughed, and at that very moment, I couldn’t help but to realise how much I enjoyed your company. How much I had enjoyed your presence.

As I counted down the hours to your departure, I was left content. My spirit was lifted, my strength renewed. My glances were caught with smiles and I was left with nothing but happiness.

Finally, in that very hour, the time had come. A new adventure for you. I am proud of you, more than you know. I wish you all the luck, the success, the happiness that life can offer you.

I wish that with every difficulty, you will have a moment to shine. I wish with every moment of weakness, you will gain strength. Most of all, I wish that for every beat of your heart, for every step that you take, you find what you are looking for.

Till we meet again.

 

Yours Always,

Mark

Day 67

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

It was this day, I will remember always. The day I felt like I was once again a child of twelve. As the hours counted down, my heart raced. It raced hard and fast. Adrenaline, overwhelming emotions, yet absolute calm.

My hands trembled, my face pale. The rush hit, like a drug,  and I was sent into a tumble of emotion. Physical weakness, merely a side effect of what seemed to be the end of me. Surely darling, I was silly beyond understanding.

Those were the many emotions, leading up to the moment that I finally fixed eyes on you.

Then, we met. You were as beautiful as I remembered. Your face still kind, that smile, still as electrifying. Your eyes still put me in a spot. One I always struggle to get out off.

I know you not enough to understand you or what you are thinking. But I am not afraid of you, not anymore.

I revealed to you the endless nights of torture I brought upon myself. I revealed my pains, my struggles, my guilt. My wish was not to place on you any more than I could, any more that I should have.

I admitted my undeniable vulnerability with you, one I can’t seem to get past, one I can’t seem to understand.

You were kind, understanding and patient. Most of all, you finally understood. You comforted me in the smiles, as I struggled on each and every word. You didn’t say much, but the little that you said, gave me peace.

I realise now, I don’t have to do this alone. I realise now, I never lost you.

 

Yours Always,

Mark

Day 66

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

The date is set, night of the morrow. I can hardly contain myself as I lie in bed, unable to close my eyes. I wish not to feel this way again, I wish not to indulge in the thoughts of my drifting mind.

As I adjust the cuffs on my best shirt, I can’t help but to feel myself slipping away slowly. You have a hold on me like no other. I am not proud to admit it, but I have chosen a path of complete honesty, so I shan’t lie.

I can’t believe this, so I reach out. I am listening to your voice as I write this letter. Your laugh, your tone, your every word, an absolute joy to my heart. I don’t want this conversation to end, not right now.

But it must, and it has. As I polish my shoes, a revelation. He had my hair, frail eyes, a smile. I did not recognise him. Then, I looked again. He was I. She had brought upon his face what he had longed for ages. Months he had searched for a reason, but found none.

Now, he smiled, he laughed. Not out of the lack of sanity, but of the very reason that was her. The very reason that is You.

I pray sleep comes easy tonight. For the stars shine brightest in the nights sky. They shine because of you.

Yours Always,

Mark

Day 65

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

I am left in the dark on news of your arrival. I am conflicted in emotion and in thought. But as the hours countdown, I am destined to face the inevitable.

I have struggled too long with this. The hurt, the pain, the insatiable need for an answer. There is only so much I can hide from you before I let it all out.

I am consumed every day by the last words to leave your lips. They haunt me, day in and day out. They show no mercy, they allow me no rest.

I promise you. We will talk. I will take my shield down, but not my breastplate. I will put down my sword, but not my dagger. I will thread carefully, cautiously, painstakingly.

This is my chance, I will take it and you will finally know.

Yours Always,

Mark

Day 64

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

I didn’t see this coming, a twist, a spanner in the works. My heart skipped a beat, maybe it was two? I can’t quite remember. This is crazy, I can barely place a finger on the exact emotion that I feel right now.

I don’t think I’m ready, not for this, not for you. I can almost border insanity at this very moment.

The joy, is from knowing i’ll see you in days. My confusion, from not knowing how I feel about it. The pain, from our memories, the bits I try to let go. The fear, from the unknown.

Excitement and doubt, a burst of adrenaline, a pinch of uncertainty, the perfect formulation for the disaster that I was today.

My mind is exhausted, my heart needs rest. I choose not to spend the night in the isolation of my mind. I wish not to fuel my thoughts with the drink of a bottle. Instead, I choose to calm myself. I look to the sky and close my eyes.

 

Yours Always,

Mark

Day 63

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

The time has come for me to come clean. To say what needs to be said. The truth, no more lies.

The truth is, you hurt me. I was crushed and stepped on. Then, you insulted me. When you broke me, you left. And as I picked up the pieces, you opened a window. With what felt like a raging storm, a gale force wind, I destroyed everything and everyone in my path.

I wanted to hate you, but I could not. I wanted to love you less, but I only did more. Countless nights, I cried, I prayed, but I had no answer. You asked me what was wrong? You asked me to share what I had to go through? But you could never know. You would never understand.

I’ll say it again. You need the truth, no more lies.

The truth is, I fell in love with you. Head over heels. I fell for you like I have never with anyone else before. I put You, before me. I put You, before anything else in my life.

You said that we would know when the right person came along, that commitment would be easy. You were right, I chose you. I didn’t want anyone but you. I wanted to give you my world, my everything, so I did. I shared with you my life, my every insecurity, my darkest secrets.

I took a leap of faith and I loved you with no reason. I loved you not knowing who you were, I loved, a complete stranger. I wanted to spend every single day figuring out how it was possible, but I would be glad.

I understood that I would learn something new about you everyday. It wouldn’t matter if it was good or bad. I would have loved those imperfections, those flaws and embrace every bit of you.

If you needed honesty, I have offered it. If you needed love, I placed my heart in your hands. When you needed freedom, I let you go.

That is the truth. I have nothing to hide from you, not anymore. I have come to terms that there could never be an Us. I have come to terms that I must move on.

You were my first, and I will Never forget.

 

Yours Always,

Mark

Day 62

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

Three days sober, not a single drop, not a single thought about you. Then, I slipped. I would have beat myself up about it on any other day. But not today. It’s the beauty of what I’ve become.

I’m taking it a day at a time. Little by little, I come off you.

Hearing from you today was a stir of emotions. First, a love song on repeat. Minutes later, a pinch of anger, a sprinkle of confusion. When my heart had stopped racing, my stutter gone, I questioned my feelings for you.

For the first time in what felt like a lifetime, I asked myself. What was I doing? What is it that I truly wanted to hear from you?

Was I angry at you for what you had done? Maybe. Was I not ready to see you for who you really were? Possibly.  But I know that I loved you, regardless. I know I still do. I would be a complete and utter fool to lie to you, to lie about this.

I take two steps forward, one back, but I am still moving forward. I will see you again, sooner than I had expected. When we do meet, I won’t be the same. I’m not the same man that loved you. Maybe by then, I would not love you at all.

Until then.

 

Yours Always,

Mark

 

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