The many letters I wrote to you

Month: April, 2014

Yours Always

My Dearest Reader,

Yes, you. I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your support. I would also like to take this chance to apologise.

These past months have been tough. The emotional burden of writing these letters have truly drained me. I very much intended to complete these letters and know that in my heart, I will always continue. Unfortunately, penning them down is a different story. In order for me to find myself once again, I will let go of what I’ve held so dearly, for so long.

For the many who have read these letters. If there was any way you have related, I wish you peace. I wish you the freedom that I have craved for so long. If my words have caused any pain, I ask pardon. If my Love has brought back memories of someone you once loved, know that I never meant to.

For the heart strings that were plucked, for the tears that were shed. I am truly sorry. For cold hearts that were untouched, for the many who were not moved, I salute you. Your strength, something I admired greatly. Something that I envy. But I also wish that you will one day experience such beauty, such pain.

Love can mould ones character, change ones path. There is nothing more powerful in this world.

I part with you for now, but I won’t be too long.  Until I write again.


Yours Always,



Day 123

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

I don’t think I have the strength to write to you any longer. All my ink has brought, is more pain. All my words, nothing but grief. Not a single syllable has given me any relief.

Looking back on these letters, they only represent pain. Nothing more, nothing less. Each one, has been a curse on its own, a beautiful one at that. Most of all, looking back at these letters, they are but a testament of the beauty that is Love.

Love brought Sincerity and Passion to these letters, without which, I could not express myself. That very same Love will end this. With Love, comes respect. And out of that respect for you, I will not dwell on this any longer. With Love, comes understanding. And out of that understanding for who you are and where you stand, I will step away.

Love brought me emotion beyond comprehension. And so without being able to comprehend, I will move on.

Looking back on these letters, they have shown me how true Love can endure. Through heartache, through sleepless nights, endless draining notions of what could have been. Love endures.

These letters have been a reflection of myself, of the person that I truly am. I have not understood you any better, but I have better understood myself. And that in itself, has been an important lesson.

Know that every word that I’ve said, every emotion that I have expressed, has been nothing but truth. Know that I have never loved anyone before You. Know that I intend to Love again, but it will not be Our love. So as I have started with a heart full of Love, I will end this, with Love.

My heart was yours to keep, but you did not want it. My Love was yours to have, but you did not treasure it. My eyes were for your only, it did not look at another.

Every tear I shed, was for you only. Every step I took, was towards you, never farther. Every thought, every wish, was only for the best. Your happiness, all I ever really wanted.

I am sorry that I loved you, I never meant to.


Yours Always,


Day 122

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

I have no choice but to consider the fact that I’ve lost you. I have no choice but to accept the fact that we have nothing left between us. And although you don’t seem to admit it, we both know this to be true.

I’ve made my mistakes with you, I won’t deny it. Patience hasn’t really been a strong point with me these past months, I won’t ever say otherwise. The pains of trying to fix it all, is overwhelming. I don’t know if I should even try.

My days are difficult without you. But I swear, I try ever so hard. I really do. It’s an uphill battle every single day, but I push on. I pray I find strength to know what needs to be done because I can’t go on like this for long.

As I sit by another bottle and look out into a dark sky, my face is illuminated by the burning glow of my cigarette. As the smoke fills my lungs and the whiskey burns my lips, I feel but a temporal relief.

I open my eyes and nothing has changed. It’s been a week since I’ve last slept, god knows I’m trying to find my peace.


Yours Always,


Day 121

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

Easter Sunday was pleasant. It’s the worst feeling in the world when I can’t spend these holidays with you.

We don’t have to paint eggs or run around town. We don’t have to leave the comforts of home. We don’t even have to speak. It would be nice just to have you around.

It kills me that I can’t steal glances of you. It kills me that I can’t see you smile. God knows I would have given the world for any of those moments.

And that’s why he won’t give them to me.

Yours Always,


Day 120

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

I have tried to employ anger, I believed it to be the only way to deal with this. But I can’t, not with you. I am Sorry. I truly am. What I felt last night, I cannot explain.

I believed I was upset with you, but I have only realized that I am upset with myself. I was convinced I did it right, but I had only made a mess from the start.

I am on the edge. I can’t seem to understand what is wrong. This need to understand, to make sense of where we are, what we are, is exhausting.

From heartache to heartache, I travel on a broken path. It has always been filled with obstacles, with much pain, but I kept walking. This path has been treacherous, it has brought me nothing but grief, yet I can’t seem to get off it.

This path is paved with shattered hearts, sharp as glass. The tears that have been shed form a stream, quiet, but ever flowing. Hopes and dreams fall from the trees like autumn leaves, as the cold air carries whispers of broken promises.

So, I turn my heart to stone, there is no other way I can get past this wretched Love. I do this selfishly. I do this because I Must.

Yours Always,


Day 119

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

I am filled with hurt and disappointment. My heart is poisoned with anger. I can’t justify this emotion, I have no reason, but this anger helps me. It replaces the heaviness of my heart for now. I can only hope it can keep it strong.

My ears have heard the words from your lips and they wish to hear no more. I do not think my heart can bear this any longer.

So, I let this anger consume Me.

At this very moment, let me say what I will Regret. Let this be the very first time I say it. Let me say it with all the strength that I have left. For if I confess, should it not become a reality? If so, let me say it once.

I Do Not Love You.


Day 118

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

Your message was clear. I have never had more clarity on where I stand. It seems that I have lost my respect with you. I can’t change that, I won’t even try. We took our space, but I took the first step. If that was your response, know that it hurt me, but I don’t blame you.

Not sparing me even a minute was the harshest message you could have sent. But you did. You did it with not an ounce of mercy.

Know that I came as a friend. Know that I came to share that moment with you because I cared. Know that I respected you and not for a moment did my feelings for You change that.

If there is nothing left between us, so be it. But know that I came not out of desperation. I have a little respect left for myself, don’t you dare take that away from me. The fact that you have misunderstood me once more, makes me wonder if you ever understood me at all.

Of the many things you’ve said to me, I want you to know that this time, I was crushed. This time, I’ve had enough. Right now, it hurts, but I’m numb to the heart wrenching pain that I cannot experience. God help me when I do.

I want to make you understand, but I choose not to. There is no point.



Day 117

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

With all the Love in my heart. Happy Birthday.

Yours Always,


Day 116

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

Minutes to midnight now, the anticipation kills me. In just a few minutes, another year will be added to your amazing life. If only you could know how much I wish that your heart’s deepest desires be filled.

I wish you success beyond imagination. Success in every aspect of your life, your career and in love.

In life, may you experience it in the fullest. I wish for you to travel the world and see its wonders. To learn lessons that cannot be taught, only experienced. I pray that in life, you truly find yourself. I pray that it would come with ease, that it would come with the necessary hardship, but nothing more.

In your career, I wish for the ultimate success that a woman could wish for. I wish that you will empower others to believe that they too can be equals. That you will show the world that you are a force to be reckoned with. I wish for you to achieve what you must. And when you do, you will only look forward, not a single regret.

In love, purity. I wish that you will experience Love in its truest form. I wish that you will understand that you deserve a love that would bring the heavens down in envy. I wish that you will not settle for anything less than a love that is not of this world.

I wish for you to experience the very Love that I have for You. Not an ounce less.

Yours Always,


Day 115

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

I am once again at the mercy of my own desires. I am sat here in the airport, awaiting the quick passage over to you. At this point, my heart is not racing. I am calm.

Things are different this time, but I seem to have a habit of saying that. Maybe, the four weeks of silence between us, has made me stronger. Maybe it is because I have nothing to fight for but myself. It is not that I have given up on you. It is that I choose not to fight any longer.

If this would be the last time my eyes gaze upon your face, so be it. I will forever live with the consequences of my actions. If they would cause me pain, I will bear it. If it would bring me peace, I will embrace it.

The sun rises over the horizon and I feel the heat of the sun upon my face. It relaxes me. I am almost in a state of trance, the roar of the engines, the screeching tires keep me in check. Growing up, this was my place of joy. My escape. But you would know that, you’ve lived a life of such.

We have been afraid of commitment as far back as we remember. There was no point when we knew distance would eventually pull the ones we loved from our hands, as we desperately tried to cling on. I fear that very fate. It probably explains why I tried so hard to hold on to you. Fear.

I am eight hundred miles from you. My heart, never closer.

Yours Always,


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