threehundredand65letters

The many letters I wrote to you

Month: January, 2014

Day 43

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

A new country, a new start and I wish you every bit of success and happiness. You’re probably exhausted, jet lagged, excited, just waiting to hit the ground running.

Knowing you, you’ve done just that. That drive, that ambition, it’s just one of the many things I love about you. You have so much ahead of you, so much potential, just being around you feels like a thousand bolts of lightning surging through my mind.

You will be successful, I have no doubt. You will have great power, that, I’m sure.

I wish I could be there with you, through it all. Be the person you need when the day gets tough. Scream at me, cry your heart out, but I will only love you more and I’ll do everything I can to make it better.

Know that I’m proud of you, know that as long as you have a smile on your face, I’ll have one on mine.

For now, I step away. I can’t make you need me, I can’t make you want me, so I’ll remain silent.

With all my love,

Mark

Day 42

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

The long nights have finally taken their toll on me. I lay here in bed, with my eyes barely open, unable to move a muscle. I truly have punished myself these past months. The consequences of which I now bear.

I have destroyed myself completely. I have left but my name and a memory of you. I have no past, no present, my future, hazy. I have questioned my morals, my achievements, my outlook on life.

The set of rules I have stood by so strongly, now another book on a dusty shelf. I have cast everything aside. Loving You has been the biggest lesson I’ve had to learn. The more I do, the more I learn, the more I hurt.

It is necessary, it is essential. I do not enjoy this, but I do not have a choice. Another day passes, so does more of me.

Your Always,

Mark

Day 41

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

This is my second attempt at a letter to you. For some reason, the first one didn’t seem right. Another night of good company made me think a lot. It made me pause and surmise, something I haven’t done much of. Over the line of shots, the multiple lagers, the constant need to forget, I have overlooked my ability to think straight.

My night has turned to morning, I cannot sleep. My thoughts of you, still linger, still strong. I try and make sense of why that is and for days, it escaped me. Was it us talking again? Was it the fact that you were closer than before? Was I just missing you?

I thought it over and over, minute after minute as the clocked ticked and the sun rose. Then it hit me. It was her. She reminded me of you. It was crazy at first, but it made absolute sense. I start to feel the familiarity of being around you and it scares me, makes me miss you a bit more. She’s a friend, wise beyond her years, comforting beyond understanding.

This day I truly miss you. Why? beyond my understanding.

 

Yours Always,

Mark

 

Day 40

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

The distance grows shorter and as I write this letter, you’re somewhere, in the air, on your way. Closer and closer, but it changes nothing for me. The distance between us may have may have become closer, but our hearts, never further.

She turned eleven today. The love of my life, the only other girl that ever loved me, the way I love you. As little as she is, she knows what it’s like to love, unconditionally, fearlessly, wholeheartedly. She was wise beyond her years and as she spoke to me, she assured me.

She told me that some people were born to love like we do. It never meant they would love us back, it never meant they would love us the way we loved them. She ended with this;

“Just because someone doesn’t love you, that shouldn’t stop you from loving them any less or any differently”

She was right. I can’t change how I love someone. It’s who I am and it has its consequences, of which I’ll gladly endure.

My heart still belongs to you and I wish I could take it back, I want it back.

Yours Always,

Mark

Day 39

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

I spent the evening in good company. Drinks, banter, a little chat about you. My day, never really complete without a little you. I missed you, god I knows I did.

A small part of me wished you were there, my arms around you, laughter echoing into the night. Your smile, the brightest light in the room, at times, the only light. I came home with a lighter heart, the first time in what felt like years.

You’ve come back in some ways. A part of me shouldn’t allow it, but the relief, the peace, it’s hard to refuse. I will do things differently now. A second chance, another shot, I don’t know, I won’t hope, but I won’t waste it. Not this time.

Do you remember what my mum said? It’s still true.

No One makes me smile the way You do.

Yours Always,

Mark

Day 38

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

Hearing from you again brought joy to my heart. A simple exchange of messages, a night of laughter, a world of difference.

We talked till I fell asleep and I did the same for you. You are half way around the world, but little did I feel the distance. You were right next to me, and I You.

We talked like we used to, we laughed like never before. I am not the man I used to be, not anymore, never will I ever be. You were responsible for that. I should give you no credit, no thanks, but I will be honest. Our relationship had always been built on honesty, at least for me it was.

It is true, with you, I have realised my flaws, my imperfections. I have discovered my faults and I am truly ashamed.

You and I, we are from different worlds, different stages in this vicious game we call life. But you are still everything that I hope for, everything that I want. Maybe this time I might feel differently, maybe this time I will be patient, maybe this time, I’ll fall out of love.

 

Yours Always,

Mark

Day 37

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

These letters I write to you, they are all that I have left. There isn’t anything else, nothing left of us. I struggle to come to terms with that, I struggle to accept that I may have lost you, I struggle to accept that I never had you.

Every part of me wants to reach out to you. Every part.

The urge never subsides, never goes away, never ceases to keep me awake at night. One night of sleep, one night of freedom from the clutches of my emotions, merely seconds in what feels like a labyrinth of which the world has never seen.

I’m ashamed to say it, embarrassed, but I am lost without you. Last night was absolute torture. Hearing from you was a gift, weeks of hope and prayers, but I wasn’t prepared, not for that.

Yours Always,

Mark

Day 36

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

I got news there was a package from you. I could barely stand, my feet, unable to bear the weight. Breathing became a challenge, like the air had been sucked out of the room. My fingers, ice cold, frozen in fear of the unknown. I knew this day would come. I prepared, I did everything to brace myself.

Like when we first met, you hit me once more. Off my feet and unto the cold floor, unable to find my bearings, I made it back to your package on my table. I sat down, my hands trembling, I could barely open it.

You wrote me a letter, I never saw it coming, but you did.

And with each word, I shed a tear. I could barely read the first line as I crumbled. I remembered the first time we met, what you wore, your smile, your laugh, your touch.  Everything came back like it was just yesterday. Every moment spent trying to forget you, gone in an instant.

Line after line, emotions I have never experienced. The strings of my heart tugged beyond any human tolerance. Pain, beyond anything I have experienced. And as I reached the end, I read it once more.

I never thought it was humanly possible to love someone as much as I’ve loved you. I never thought I could experience a pain, with no compare. Every single moment with you, held so closely, every word, a memory in my relentless mind.

Every word, took my breath away. It seemed like you had replaced the alphabets with magic of sorts. With every sentence, I imagined you smiling, every pause, a wink. The contents of the letter had no time to be understood.

In the midst of struggling to keep myself together. I placed it, once more, on the table, in the dark of the night, a candle for light. As the silence fell, I read. Word after word, after word.

And as I got down to the very last of it, a searing twinge. Beyond measure, sure of a direction. It made it’s way up, from the lowest parts of my stomach, into my heart. It sits there still. With every word written, it pierces deep. With every breath left in me now, with every bit of strength, I will finish this letter.

I still love you with every inch of my body and you have absolutely no clue. Not the slightest. It’s true, I can’t live without you and it’s unbearable right now. But I need to find the strength to do it.

What’s left of me, day after day, it’s fading. There is almost nothing left of me. You were just a stranger, my everything the next day.

When does He step in and make the pain stop? at what point, will He help me forget?

I need to close my eyes for awhile now, at least until the pain stops and I can see past these blurry eyes.

Yours Always,

Mark

Day 35

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

I slept well last night. For the first time in weeks, I did not wake in the middle of the night hoping you were there. I slept, knowing you weren’t. I slept, knowing I couldn’t feel your touch again.

For the first time in weeks, I did not shed a tear. For the first time in weeks, I felt no guilt, I felt no shame, I felt nothing. Am I numb to my emotions? Am I exhausted? I do not know.

Do I love you any less? No. Not one bit.

The days are passing fast, I struggle to hold on, I struggle to keep up. I miss you more with each passing day, it hurts that I cannot tell you, it hurts because I should not say a word.

Yours Always,

Mark

Day 34

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

Like Cupid for Psyche, Orpheus for Eurydice, Samson for Delilah, I fell for you. I was powerless. The truth is I never stood a chance. With that sweetheart, I stop blaming myself. With that, I know I have no fault. I had my heart set on you and I couldn’t change it.

For the first time in my life, it all felt right. You were right.

The nights are getting easier, my mind more at ease. The sleep is from exhaustion, my appetite, purely out of need.  I still think about you, it is hard to forget. I still need you, it is hard to do without. My heart misses the skip of a beat, it happened every time I saw you, every time you spoke.

I am so tired, so very tired right now.

 

Yours Always,

Mark

 

 

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