threehundredand65letters

The many letters I wrote to you

Day 115

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

I am once again at the mercy of my own desires. I am sat here in the airport, awaiting the quick passage over to you. At this point, my heart is not racing. I am calm.

Things are different this time, but I seem to have a habit of saying that. Maybe, the four weeks of silence between us, has made me stronger. Maybe it is because I have nothing to fight for but myself. It is not that I have given up on you. It is that I choose not to fight any longer.

If this would be the last time my eyes gaze upon your face, so be it. I will forever live with the consequences of my actions. If they would cause me pain, I will bear it. If it would bring me peace, I will embrace it.

The sun rises over the horizon and I feel the heat of the sun upon my face. It relaxes me. I am almost in a state of trance, the roar of the engines, the screeching tires keep me in check. Growing up, this was my place of joy. My escape. But you would know that, you’ve lived a life of such.

We have been afraid of commitment as far back as we remember. There was no point when we knew distance would eventually pull the ones we loved from our hands, as we desperately tried to cling on. I fear that very fate. It probably explains why I tried so hard to hold on to you. Fear.

I am eight hundred miles from you. My heart, never closer.

Yours Always,

Mark

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Day 114

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

It is hard to imagine how I had lived without you thus far. It is hard to understand why I can’t do without today. I miss everything about you. This Curse they call Love, is an unbearable one. Yet everyday, many of us bear it.

It is a beautiful thing, Love. On the coldest of nights, a warm blanket. The cool salty breeze of the ocean, in the heat of the afternoon sun. It is the smile on the face of a child, as he responds to a wink. The chuckle of an old lady, as her husband whispers to her, cheeks red with embarrassment.

It could last a lifetime, or just for a moment. Time becomes but a number, it has no place with this emotion. Seconds turn to minutes, hours to days and you are left wondering why life had robbed you of such feelings. Such ecstasy.

I too once wondered why I was not given this gift. But I was. I experienced Love differently.

It is the smudged mascara on her face, as she takes the last train home. It is the insatiable desire to rip your heart out, because the pain has no end. It is the endless hours of crying, the pain of the unfamiliar. It is knowing that you are now alone, not knowing how to recover.

It is the feeling of being lost, a labyrinth with no sight of hope. It is the endless battle between heart and mind. There is no victor, not in this fight.

With whatever is left of me, at this very moment, I choose to Love you entirely.

Yours Always,

Mark

Day 113

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

It is hard to let go. It’s even harder to hold on. Every inch that I’ve taken to get closer to you, has only put me a mile further.

This very letter has been stuck between the palms of my hands for hours. I cannot think of the words to describe my feelings right now, I have run myself dry.

Silence might just be the right approach this time. So I choose to do so. I end with this. Darling, I truly, deeply, miss You.

Yours Always,

Mark

Day 112

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

I did not expect to meet such a person. She was captivating. Her character was unique, her laughter, contagious. I know but her name and the endless laughter that we shared this night. I could not help but to steal glances.

The guilt from my love for you did not allow for much more. But now that hope has Left, I am liberated. Know that my heart still belongs to you, she has not stolen it. A part of me wishes she would.

If this should be anything, I will take a chance. If this should turn to anything, I will not hide with fear, I will embrace it. Everyone deserves a chance. I was not given such a gift, but I won’t rob another of such.

For the very first time, I have loved completely and I have learned. With true Love, there are no temptations. There are no second thoughts, no doubts. They are the rising and setting sun, a person you could not do without. What tomorrow may bring, does not make you fear, for the one you love is beside you.

For when I am with You, I am safe, I am strong. I’m braver when I’m afraid, calmer, when I worry. With this vulnerability, there should be fear. But Love does not allow such an emotion. Instead, I trust You completely.

And as such that you do not feel the same way as I. Let me take this chance. I ask for your permission knowing you will not answer. I ask for myself, I ask because I Must.

Yours Always,

Mark

Day 111

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

I spent this night writing two letters. One I will never send you and one that I will. The silence between us has given me a lot to think about. I have searched every aspect of my life and found myself lacking.

Have I hit rock bottom once more? Yes, I have.

In one letter, a confession. In the other, a lie. The confession is not something I am proud off, but I do not fear the consequence. I do not believe that it makes me any less of the man that stands before you.

The lie, an attempt at redeeming myself. An excuse, a pathetic one.

So I packed one letter and I burned the other. I will see you soon. It is only a matter of days now.

Yours Always,

Mark

Day 110

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

When I find him, I will hunt him down and I will not spare him. I will drag him to the depths of hell myself if needed. I will trade my soul to the underworld if they will but keep him there without cause. Years, centuries will pass, but he will never see my face again.

Some call him Hope.

I have yet to face a foe such as he. He was a friend. He whispers ever so lightly in my sleep. He invades my dreams without permission, my heart, without reason. He places but a seed and it grows ever so quickly.

Like a weed it captivates my soul. It feeds on every thought, every emotion. It feeds until it grows no more. And when it has reached its prime, it wilts. As it dies, it strangles my beating heart, my will, my battered soul.

He has shown me no Mercy, he should not expect any less. He has shown no Remorse, neither will I. He will pay for the heart wrenching pain that he has caused me.

And before I pierce him with my arrow, I will remember. I will remember him for the moments he stood by me, for the moments he lifted me up. Then, as the twang of my bow resounds into the cold dark air of the night, I will wound him.

For he was once a friend, now, my greatest foe. But my loyalty does not die so easily.

Yours Always,

Mark

Day 109

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

I spent my day not in solitude, but in company. Reconnecting with what I left behind was comforting, it was necessary. Things have not felt this normal in a long time, I truly did miss it. I had myself believe that I had lost it all, I had never appreciated what I had before me.

The voices I never expected to hear again, had returned. I had failed them repeatedly, yet they never left. I chose to hide. I chose to push away the ones I love from the very monster that I had become.

I spent so much time loving you, that I had forgotten what needed to be loved. I spent so much time caring for you, that I had forgotten the ones that had cared about me.

My heart still bleeds, I am in no better than I was yesterday. But day by day I gain my will. Day after day I gain some hope that I will be alright. I must believe this. I need to wake up and realise my stupidity. My dangerous addiction has proven to be a dagger, sharp and unsheathed. It takes but a slip to prove costly.

I want to take back what I have lost. I want to rebuild what I have destroyed once again. But like I made myself new, I will start all things anew.

Yours Always,

Mark

Day 108

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

I swear to you, I tried. I tried so hard. There is not a moment that I don’t regret sending you that message. I caved. The weight of my heart was unbearable and I finally gave in. Seeing pictures of you today was my absolute breaking point.

The wait was terrifying. It was like a stormy night, the wind lashing against the windows, flashes of lightning almost blinding. My eyes were closed, but my heart was open. My eyes were dry, but I could not cry.

Then it came. They were simple words. No emotion, cold as ice. But they were enough. Each and every word, exactly what I needed. I need to see you, this thirst is unquenchable. I need to hear you, for this sound has become deafening. This thirst for you will be the death of me.

A love like this has no place on earth. I will be anything but human to contain it. This heart, this body, it was never made for this. It was not made for this Love.

I take a breath with relief and I lay my head to rest. Too many sleepless nights have ruined me. Now, I rest for tomorrow, for I know not what’s in store for me

Yours Always,

Mark

Day 107

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

I have almost hit rock bottom once more. I do not wish to take this direction but I cannot pull myself away. I lack the will. I lack the very strength to do this one simple task.

I am sat here on this bench and in the solitude of this church, I fall to my knees and I pray. The eyes of god give me relief, they do not judge me. Here, I am at peace. For months I have not felt this comfort, this escape. I find it hard to stand. It is difficult to walk out and face the world once more.

This pain that I endure, unfathomable.  Tie me up and beat me endlessly, I beg of you. Rub salt in my open wounds and I will tell the world of your mercy. Just don’t murder me with your silence, it is the worst way to die. I hear every sound but yours and I can’t listen any longer.

This silence is a blunt knife, but it cuts so deep. These wounds, they will not close, they are kept open with hope. Why does Love come with such a price? Why is it not forgiving? I pray for but one day, just one. Release me this once and I will be grateful. Release me this once and I will not ask another time.

I am begging now. Please spare me from this torture. Please spare me from this pain.

 

Yours,

Mark

Day 106

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

No matter how hard I try, I realise now, that this will not be an easy task. Staying away from you is difficult. Drink after drink and I can barely see, I can barely write. I had enough focus, enough strength, to drag myself on the cold streets back home.

Night after night, I dream of You. It never ends, no matter how hard I try. As I slip in and out of consciousness, I tell myself not to fall asleep. I tell myself that you will be waiting for me once more. I cannot bear to see you, not tonight.

A broken heart is a death sentence. One I would not wish on the most evil of men to endure. A trial I wish not to face again. I will not survive another round of this. A second time and I will fear for my sanity.

Living this life of fear is not what I would do. But fear has become a part of me. My joy has turned to sorrow, my voice is lost. The lump in my throat refuses me the necessity of saying your name. I need to say it just once, it’s the only time I will ever hear your name these past weeks.

God I wish you would turn back to look, just once. Is it so hard for you to comprehend? Have you not experienced Love? Do you not remember the heartache that comes with it?

I ask all these question knowing that you will not answer them. For the truth is, you don’t know. You haven’t so much as turned to look at me, not once. You have not turned to see how far behind you’ve left me. You probably have not even thought of me once.

Yours Always,

Mark

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