My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,
Three bottles down and the pain isn’t any less. As my heart struggles to beat, I am barely breathing. I have felt no pain like I have tonight, never in my life. Everything has come crashing down now. It is unbearable, I can barely stand.
As I come down to my knees, for the very first time in my life, I’m faced with everything. My fears, my pain, my loss. I can’t hold it together any longer. My heart is aching beyond any pain I’ve ever experienced. Another bottle, another minute of hope, a temporary sense of numbness.
It is but for a minute. For so many years, I’ve held it. Why now? I can’t explain. My throat is tight, my hands are trembling. My fists are red, from when I hit the wall in the shower. A sear of pain, a temporary distraction. I feel them bruising slowly now.
I cannot look into the eyes of the woman I love most, more than life itself. It is not You, it is my mother. She is weeping now, she cannot see me like this. She tells me I cannot, she tells me I should not, fall like this. My hands continue to tremble.
I slip up and I call you. As the phone rings, my guilt consumes me. But as the tears stream down my face, my heart truly needs the comfort of your voice. My tears need your hands, I have no strength to wipe them on my own.
The ringing continues, on and on. I am left with one realisation. I am left with the very idea that you won’t talk to me. That you respected my need for space. I was weak. I was powerless and there I was, sitting on a park bench, crumbling.
I pick myself up and I drag myself home. And as I open the door. You asked.