Day 82

by markvnathan

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

I haven’t heard from you yet. It hasn’t been long, but it troubles me greatly. It is not that I need to, it is not that must hear your voice, it is that I am left in the dark. I do not know how you feel, I hate that it is not my place to ask.

After all that has happened, after all that’s been said, it is only fair that you don’t have anything to say. My guilt, it weighs on me. It almost feels like the pyramids themselves were built upon my body, I lack the strength to hold it for much longer.

It is hard to live with the fact that I have made life difficult for you. I have lost my sleep, my appetite, my very ability to speak. The ones I love, the ones that care, they are kept in the dark once again. I am once again slipping into an abyss, I pray for strength to climb out.

As I place my pen back down again, I look at myself once more. How can you even know me, if I don’t know myself? How is it that I have lost track of everything that is me? Everything that is important. Suddenly, it isn’t about you any longer. It is about me. It always has been.

Maybe the truth is I can’t be loved, I’m not ready to be loved.

Yours Always,