Day 77

by markvnathan

My Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

By this time tomorrow, you either would have read these letters or you would have chosen not to. It was always your choice, these letters are for you, no one else. If you are reading this letter, you are probably sitting right in front of me as I read them out to you.

I’ve decided that it’s time I stop being someone else and be the man that I should be. I’m tired of being brave around everyone but you, I’m tired of being scared of you. The truth is, that is not who I truly am. I’ve spent enough time in the shadows, I’ve spent enough time trying to make you understand. But I can’t get to you unless you know who I really am.

Ultimately, you need to know how I really feel. It would be a great injustice to me, a great injustice to you, had you not known these things. This is not the end, this is not my final stand. It is the beginning of me.

And I can’t go on until you know how I feel about you. By the time I get to this exact word, you would be sat down beside me, as I read these letters to you.

Seven years ago, to this very week, I lost the one person that mattered to me the most. Nothing was the same, not ever again. I was crushed, I was emptied and I lost my ability to feel anything. I locked it all up inside me and I threw away the key. And for seven years, I moved on. For seven years I felt not a single emotion, not love, nor care, nor pain.

I pressed on. I made myself into the man I am today, the man my father knew I was. I am that man at this very moment. It took me years to realise, but finally, I see it. The next two days, many years ago, were the last days I spent with him. For years, in my heart, they were my best memories.

Then, I met you and now it is a contest. The few days I’ve had with you, have been the most amazing days of my life. He was the most important person to me. I could never find a replacement for him. It left a hole so big, whole universes could be swallowed, there was no comparison.

The last few days I spent with my father, were some of the most meaningful days of my life. I did not have a chance to tell him I loved him, I did not have a chance to tell him how much he meant to me. A regret, I will take to my grave. A mistake, I choose not to make with you.

He left me knowing that I was ready. He left me with the responsibility of a family, the responsibility of being a man who inspires, a man who leads. Most importantly, he left me with the responsibility of being a good person. A value, that I will take to my grave.

He knew that I was strong enough. He knew that I felt pain, but could bolster it. That I felt fear, but I would overcome. That I would fight, each day, as if it were my last. That I would love one day, without reason, without hope. I am his son. I am his strength and his legacy, his never ending passion.

For months, I was ruled by fear. The fear of losing you. But I’m not afraid any longer. You need to know that I’ve had enough and I don’t expect you to feel anything in anyway for me. But as I sit here and read these letters to you, know that I am not just any man. Know that I am not that summer fling, that heartbreaker on campus. Know that I am not that guy who leaves in the morning, I’m the guy who stays.

I’ve always been that person and that, will never change. I thought it all over, spent countless nights with no sleep. I realise now, that in order for us to have any relationship at all, be it friends, or one of more, that you need to know who I am.

You need to know me for the strong, confident, positive person that I really am. Not this, not what you’ve seen so far. I can not for the life of me figure why I was this way.

God knows you’re the most important thing in my life. I tell myself I can’t do without you, but I can. But I’m done running after you. I’m done with the grief and the pain I put myself through. At the end of the day, I deserve better than this. I fell for you and I fell for you hard, that is my confession and I won’t be afraid to say it. Somewhere deep inside, you’ve always known.

With that, I end this letter. Hopefully, to look at you once last time.

Yours Always,